Boundaries, Rules, Expectations & Standards: The Difference

You've heard of the 5 love languages, right?

Well, my wife has a 6th: sending me unsolicited Facebook/Instagram Reels. My Messenger inbox is full of parenting tips, recipes, health hacks—you name it. It's her way of communicating and starting dialogue about how we, as partners and parents, can best love and serve each other and our family.

She sent me this great video on the differences and misconceptions about things like "setting boundaries" and "establishing expectations" that are absolutely game changing, not only for a family...

...but also for how we "do" ministry.

Common Misconceptions

I'm guilty as anyone when comes to rules vs. boundaries, especially in the example given by Dr. Martin, concerning late-night text messaging. I've definitely used the phrase, "My boundary is no texts after 9:00pm; if it's work-related, please send in the morning."

Really, this is a rule. A boundary would be more like this: "If you send me a text after 9:00pm, I probably won't respond. I'm usually done for the night by then, and I take care of messages the next day."

Or, consider this: "The worship team members will need to show up ready to play by 8:00am; that's our standard."

Well... not exactly. This is really an expectation; a standard is more of a set of minimum criteria/characteristics. In this case, you brought on people who meet a standard of punctuality, and your expectation is that they will meet those standards to best of their ability.

Here's a full list of these terms with definitions:

• Boundaries: They guide YOUR behavior.

• Rules: They attempt to guide SOMEONE ELSE'S behavior.

• Standards: They are what YOU ALLOW into your life/circle.

• Expectations: They are what you HOPE SOMEONE ELSE will do.

Applying Them in Context

In the case of managing our ministry teams, it's important to bring clarity in communication; it's what brings focus and inspires confidence. When you apply these terms, it's helpful to frame the discussion in uncharged, calm, and collected words and nonverbal cues. Here's how you can parse out these ideas in the context of your worship team:

• Boundaries: I wrap up my evenings by 9:00pm and give my full attention to my family and rest, rather than responding to messages; I will follow up as soon as I can the next day. (Unless there's an emergency.)

• Rules: Please arrive for rehearsal ready to play by 8:00am. This allows us to have an appropriate and necessary amount of time to go over our material.

• Standards: Each team member shows that they are punctual and prepared; they've demonstrated the abilities necessary to sing or play on the team and have also shown their dependability.

• Expectations: If someone is unavailable to serve and needs a replacement, my hope is that other team members will step up to fill the gap.

A great way of establishing a clear reference is a ministry manual, particularly where you define standards of ability and character, and then set rules for everyone to follow. (This includes actions necessary for addressing problems, like repeated tardiness, lapse into public sin, insufficient preparation, etc.)

When set these clear definitions, then you eliminate confusion, where the application of rules, expectations, boundaries, and standards work in tandem to help move your work forward...

...and hopefully, motivate your team to serve joyfully and creatively.

Be blessed 👊✌️